Resolving the Tension: How Letting Go Changed Everything

One of the biggest things I’ve been working on in my healing journey is my need for control. It makes sense, right? As a gay choir director organizing multiple productions a year, control has been a huge part of my success—making sure every detail is in place, that the tuning is just right, that the vowels (and tablecloths) match.

But what works in your professional life doesn’t always work in your personal life. And sometimes, holding on too tightly can do more harm than good.

When Life Is Out of Your Hands

Starting around 2016, my family went through a lot. My sister’s drinking problem escalated, ultimately leading to her passing. Around the same time, my child started losing weight, and after six months of doctor visits, we finally got a diagnosis: ulcerative colitis, a chronic illness requiring regular infusions. Then, of course, a global pandemic hit.

There were so many things happening that I couldn’t control. And that made me want to control everything. We had already lost one family member—there was no way I was going to lose my child. No one in my family could get sick, because I couldn’t handle another loss.

I was living in fear.

The Choice Between Suffering and Acceptance

There’s a Buddhist saying:

“Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.”

This one hits deep. Pain is part of life. Hard things will happen. But suffering? That comes from how we respond to the pain.

In coaching, we call this victim mentality. It’s what happens when we feel like life is happening to us, and we get stuck in a loop of fear, resentment, and worst-case-scenario thinking. For many of us—especially those who have been marginalized—this isn’t just a habit; it’s a survival mechanism. We learn to scan for danger. We anticipate the worst so we can prepare for it.

That instinct can be protective, but when we stay stuck in it, it becomes exhausting.

I realized that the more I clung to control, the more I suffered. My anxiety was through the roof. I was barely sleeping. I gained 60 pounds in that time, turning to food just to try to feel something other than stress.

I was fighting a losing battle.

The other option? Acceptance.

And let me be clear—acceptance isn’t about giving up. It’s about letting go of what isn’t yours to hold, so you can focus on what is.

Rewiring Your Thoughts

Thich Nhat Hanh said:

“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything—anger, anxiety, or possessions—we cannot be free.”

Freedom isn’t just about physical circumstances. It’s about what’s happening in your mind. And that means rewriting the stories you’ve been telling yourself.

One of the biggest traps we fall into is worst-case-scenario thinking. It’s an attempt to protect ourselves, but the truth is:

It takes just as much energy to imagine the worst-case scenario as it does to imagine the best-case scenario.

How often do you let yourself believe things could actually work out? Or even better—what if they turned out better than you expected?

But changing this way of thinking doesn’t happen overnight. It takes practice. It takes noticing your thoughts, catching them before they spiral, and choosing a different path.

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” — Viktor Frankl

A Simple Shift: Expansive vs. Constrictive Thinking

You don’t have to accept every thought that enters your mind. Thoughts aren’t facts.

This is something I work on with my clients all the time. We don’t realize how automatic our thought patterns are until we start paying attention. And once we do, we can change them.

Try this:

1. Close your eyes and take three slow breaths. Let go of whatever you’re holding onto today and just check in with your body.

2. Think about a situation in your life that’s been stressing you out or taking up a lot of mental space.

3. Now ask yourself:

“What if there’s no way out of this?”

Notice how this question affects your body. What emotions come up? What does your body do? Does your breathing change?

4. Now, ask yourself a different question:

“What can I do with what I have?”

How does this feel? Is there a shift? Does it feel any different than the first question?

Our thoughts carry energy. Some thoughts expand us, making us feel capable and open. Others constrict us, making us feel stuck and powerless. The more we train ourselves to think expansively, the more we shift from control and fear to freedom and possibility.

What Can You Do with What You Have?

Instead of getting lost in the distractions and chaos of the world, I focus on what I can do. And it turns out, even the small things matter.

I recently talked to a resident of Puerto Rico about their experiences with hurricanes, earthquakes, and COVID. They told me that during the hardest times, they turned to each other. When they lost power for months, they found ways to support one another.

That’s the lesson: we can always do something.

Here’s what I’m doing:

• I volunteer for an LGBTQIA+ youth group to provide support and create safe spaces.

• I keep extra food in my classroom for students who might need it, no questions asked.

• I serve on the board of a local queer organization that offers affirming events and education.

• I pick up trash when I see it on my walks.

It doesn’t have to be big. Small things create big change. If we all look for places we can help, then we know we aren’t alone. We are in this together. 

What About You?

So, I want to ask you:

• What’s one thing you’ve done in the past week to make a difference?

• What’s something small you could do today to shift your energy from fear to action?

Drop it in the comments. Let’s inspire each other. You never know—your action might be the idea someone else needed.

And if this hit home for you, and you’re ready to start shifting the way you think and experience life, this is exactly the kind of work I do with my clients.

Coaching isn’t about forcing change—it’s about unlocking what’s already inside you. If you’re curious about what that could look like for you, let’s talk.

We’ve got this. Focus on what you can do, not what you can’t.

Take the energy you’ve spent on suffering and turn it into something beautiful.

I love you.

I hope you have the best day.